PROTECTING CHILDREN’S TRUST IN DIVORCE

CATHERINE COOKE

Divorce is one of the most emotionally challenging life events a family can ever go through. Nobody gets married and has children expecting to get divorced. So when it happens, the grief, loss and fear of the future can feel overwhelming. Even in amicable situations, it's rare to avoid conflict. The pain of separating finances, selling the family home and sharing time with your children with the person whom you feel most let down by is heartbreaking. The thought of missing out on milestones like birthdays, Christmas morning or other special occasions is devastating. It’s no surprise that this leads to a surge of emotions, anger, sadness, bitterness and fear.

In times of grief and high stress our nervous system becomes dysregulated. We are not always our best selves. While adults may try to manage their emotions behind closed doors, they have a habit of leaking out, especially around our children. Children are incredibly perceptive. They pick up on tension, even when no words are spoken. They notice a shift in atmosphere, a change of tone or a comment at handover. In some cases they may even witness direct conflict between their parents, which can be deeply distressing.

While adults are trying to make sense of their new reality, children are grieving too. The life they knew is suddenly shattered. They may now only see each parent part of the time. They may have to move house, change schools or live further away from their friends. They feel powerless and betrayed because this is something they had no say in at all. Worse still, children may even blame themselves for the separation.

One of the biggest threats to children’s emotional wellbeing during divorce is broken trust. This can happen in subtle, but harmful ways. Being asked to keep secrets (“Don’t tell Mum or she’ll get upset”) or being expected to lie by omission (“Don’t mention Dad’s new girlfriend just yet”). While this may feel like protection in the short term, it creates confusion and anxiety and affects their sense of emotional safety.

Common signs that children may be struggling with the divorce

or coparenting dynamics are:

Sleep disturbances or nightmares
Regression (clinginess, bedwetting or thumb sucking)
Behavioural changes e.g aggression, defiance or unusually
quiet
Withdrawal from friends and family
Difficulties at school

Even more damaging is asking children to choose sides. Whether it's a direct question like “Who do you want to live with?” or more subtle pressure, like criticising the other parent in front of the child, puts children in a very difficult position and can leave long lasting scars. Parents also shouldn’t use children as messengers because they can’t manage to communicate with each other. It places an emotional burden on them and sends a message that they can’t rely on their parents to work together even for their sake.

These behaviours do not mean children are ‘naughty’ or ‘attention-seeking’, they are often the only way that children know how to express emotional pain.

You can’t shield your child from every aspect of divorce but you can protect them from the emotional fallout. Here’s how:

Keep adult conflict away from children. Keep discussions away from anywhere they could overhear.
Be honest, but age-appropriate. Children don’t need all the details but they do need reassurance, honesty and clear information. Don’t make promises you aren’t sure you can keep.
Respect the other parent in front of your child. Even if you are angry, your child still loves them.
Encourage open communication between you and your child.

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent, they need an emotionally present one. Even if your ex isn’t cooperative, you can choose to be the calm, stable influence in your child’s life. Divorce is painful but it doesn’t have to be damaging. By choosing to prioritise your child’s emotional safety and avoid trust-eroding behaviours, you will help them to feel safe, secure, loved and resilient, despite all the change around them.