IF I LOSE MYSELF, I LOSE IT ALL

KATE OMAN

Do you ever have a ghost of a memory swirl around your mind, causing deep chills to ripple through your body? These cognitive hauntings don’t have to come with scary background music, for they can be a powerful reminder that keeps us aligned with a deep truth.

In 2014, I was walking through the town with my children and then husband. As we walked past a store, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass and my I felt stunned by what I saw. The reality of the scene wasn’t matching the one that I was desperately trying to cling onto in my mind. In contrast to the mental happy family picture, I saw a woman looking back at me that I didn’t recognise. A shadow of herself, like a ghost going through the motions. A paper thin whisp of a woman, ready to be crumpled up at any second.

I had lost myself.

Who was she?

Where had I gone?

It was that moment that proved to be the catalyst for change in my life. Although I didn’t know it then, it would be the revelation that would take me down a path of rediscovering myself and finding my freedom in the process. Although it wasn’t going to be quick or easy, I couldn’t deny the truth that was so clearly staring me in the face. Why does this happen? Why is it that some people can find themselves lost in a relationship, swallowed up by the one thing that they thought they wanted?

here can be a number of reasons it can happen. It could be that you have a deep need to feel loved and validated, which in turn can lead to an over-reliance on others for your happiness.

This can, in part, derive from a low sense of worth, where you may feel that your needs and desires aren’t very important. The key, and sometimes only, thing in that mindset is that you are with someone and are loved, even if the nature of the relationship itself isn’t happy or healthy. A deep fear of abandonment can also drive a person to compromise themselves, which will ultimately lead to the sacrifice of individuality.

It can also derive from watching your parents show a type of love that was conditional, or where they showed that you have to put the needs of others above your own. Having these core beliefs rooted in from an early age can create a deep seated pattern of self-neglect where it becomes all too easy to lose yourself.

If you’re reading this and it is opening your eyes to your own potential relationship issues, ask yourself the following questions:

Have I stopped doing the things I used to enjoy?
Do I find it hard to speak up and give my opinion?
Am I walking on eggshells to keep the peace?
Am I listening to my body and giving myself what I need?
Does the thought of being on my own terrify me?

If the answer to these questions is yes, it is time to rediscover and reconnect to yourself. Regardless of whether the

relationship is going to continue or not, the one you have with yourself is forever. No matter who you’re with or where you go,

you are stuck with you. Abandoning yourself in favour of another person is never going to lead you to a sense of happiness

and wellbeing.

There are 5 key ways to reconnect to yourself.

These aren’t a pick one and leave the rest, but are things that need to be done together to get the best results:

Reconnect with your passions. Lean into activities that you enjoyed before the relationship; try new things; and explore your interests.
Nurture your own individual social life. Spend time with family and friends, and try to maintain separate social circles.
Practice self-care and reflection. Journaling, mindfulness, and focusing on your physical well-being can help you become more present with your thoughts and needs.
Set personal goals and boundaries. Think about the dreams you have for yourself; schedule time for yourself on a regular basis; and make sure you communicate your feelings and needs with your partner.
Seek support if needed. If you find it difficult to reconnect with yourself, a counsellor or coach can provide guidance and support.

It took me some time, but I came back to myself. I took conscious steps to reconnect to the woman I am, giving myself a

greater sense of well-being and happiness in the process. If you are lost, I know you can find your way back home to yourself.

No matter what your relationship is like, you owe it to yourself to try.